“Hey Ajeé

I’ve been having many self-esteem issues and appearance issues. It’s ruining my relationship with my boyfriend as well as my own happiness. I cry every night because I have lost hope in myself after gaining over 20 pounds. I spend most of my days in sweats or in my room. I have isolated myself from everything that has to do with the outside world like going outside and hanging out with friends. Everytime I’m outside I feel as if everyone is staring out how big I am. I also feel like i have no one who can understand what I’m going through. I just want to feel beautiful again when I look in the mirror. I want to find motivation but I feel like i have none left. Where do I start?”

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unmotivated,

 

I feel for you, and everyone has struggled with their self-esteem at some point or another in their lives. It’s not only you, and this something that I’m 100% sure you can pull yourself out of. But you call yourself “unmotivated” and that’s NOT a word you should use anymore.  You have to understand that if this is something that’s really hurting you and affecting your quality of life, you have to want it bad enough to actually make that change. Unfortunately, no one can do it for you. Plus, people do it all the time, people who need to lose wayyyy more than 20 lbs! So starting tomorrow, you are motivated. And nothing less. Do this for yourself.

 

This is a fairly easy fix (dropping your desired 20 lbs) but it will require some hard work. Of course, after you drop the weight, it will be left to you to maintain that weight loss so you don’t end up feeling the way you do right now, ever again. And btw, if you felt beautiful before, (like you had earlier mentioned) I’m sure you are still beautiful! I highly doubt that people are out staring at you in disgust. It’s all in your head. Cut yourself some slack.

Set a time frame that you can reach certain milestones by, that should help to motivate you. If going one week at a time is easiest for you right now, try that. I have prepared 5 tips that may help you accelerate your progress a little. And any time I’ve ever dieted, I almost completely cut out all starch and all sugar from my diet. Works like a charm, and kind of acts as a detox because once you reach your goal, your body doesn’t crave it as much. You shouldn’t completely cut out any food groups but a focus on protein and veggies is key. At the end of the day, you have to find a diet for that works for you, Google it. And definitely stay active even if it’s just a few times a week.

 

But alright, here are my tips:

1. Obviously stick to your diet, whichever you choose. But if you slip up, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just try to get back on track!
2. Drink green tea – it boosts your metabolism, and accelerates fat burning. It’s also a known fact that green tea’s fat burning capabilities really target the belly area. But this, like the other aspects of your diet can only be helpful to your weight loss if it’s coupled with a consistent exercise regimen. You MUST exercise to actually burn the fat. The calorie deficit is key.
3. Cardio – as far as exercise goes, cardio is the best way to burn fat, fast. And one of the best ways to burn the most calories is running. Interval training on a treadmill (YouTube/Google, whatever just look it up) is even more effective than running alone. If you run 20-30 minutes everyday (walking in between and then run again) for one week, with your diet? That alone will guarantee you weight loss. Find other exercises that work towards your target areas and just be consistent about it. And the more muscle you build, the faster you burn fat. That is also a fact 🙂
4. Drink a lot of water, juice and soda should be out of the question. Fresh pressed juices are an exception, in my book.
5. Lemon-cayenne water – If you can handle it, it’s basically an all natural system-flushing, fat burning drink. It’ll definitely help you shed water weight fast (usually in the beginning) and help you burn more fat throughout the day and when you exercise.

 

But I guess, when I look back at your post, that your real question was how to start. I think I’ve given you everything you might need to get started. But now the rest is up to you. If you don’t have a treadmill at home, you can go to a gym, or you can go to a track, or you can just walk/run in your neighborhood early or in the evening if you really don’t wanna be seen. Jumping rope is also a great form of cardio. Another thing you might want to look up is “intermittent fasting”, it is definitely effective. Whichever method you choose, START immediately!

 

And lastly, I just want to remind you that looks are not everything. Your boyfriend for example, clearly still loves you. I’m sure he’d be happy to support you if you let him. Try to understand that. I’m sure there’s way more to you than meets the eye and so a few extra pounds shouldn’t make you feel so low, seriously. So put your best foot forward and you’ll see how life will be that much better once you achieve your goals. Oh, and hit me back with some progress if you make some, I’d love to see it.

 

Hope I helped, girl. You can do this! And if you’re feeling like this is more than just a lack of motivation and maybe a depression, please try to seek the help of a therapist who can work through your problems with you.

 

Ajeé

“Hey theree!!! My boyfriend is a HORRIBLE communicator. He expresses himself very well, he is intelligent and rational and great. But I mean, like, he’s very old school. He’s soooo bad with keeping up with his phone (a lot of the time his phone didn’t work or was old so he hasn’t gotten used to using one that functions. he’s not concerned about social media or anything.. he’s really focused on whatever he’s doing.) But my thing is.. phones and stuff are apart of our relationship. We could go 24 hours without talking and he wouldn’t even think to hit me up.. or to answer my text!! He’s honestly fried in that sense. He’s a great guy, just a fried one.

I am not very loud about my concerns when I have them because I don’t like to sound whiny or complain or whatever, but this sucks.

We just went almost 24 hours without talking and I called him to see if he was alive or okay, and he’s all good! We got off the phone, he’s about to be busy allll day. And honestly, it irks me so much I feel like I do not have a boyfriend. && It’s not just me that complains about this. His own friends.. his BOYS complain about it too. Should I tell him I feel like I don’t have a boyfriend?? I’m never completely honest about how I’m feeling when things like this happen.”

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Hey shygirlfriend,

 

I truly understand your sentiments… you may not like everything I’m gonna say but I’m gonna keep it as real as I possibly can, from where I see things.

 

Nobody that’s in a relationship wants to feel like they’re not in one. Nobody wants to feel like the person they’re in love with doesn’t randomly think about them throughout the day, doesn’t care to check on them or seenhow they’re doing. No one wants to feel like their s/o is always too busy to even spare a reply to a text or a phone call back at some point during the day. In a world where most people have their phones on their person at all times, a lack of communication in that sense can be really hard to understand. In a way, it almost implies “This person just clearly doesn’t care.”

 

BUT the truth is… not everyone is always on their phone. Most people are. But not all. It sounds like you know your boyfriend pretty well… maybe he is very busy. And you can’t be petty about not being able to talk all day, everyday. However, going entire days without speaking at all, I won’t front, is something I wouldn’t like either. So I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling fed up by now. And everyone’s needs are different, he needs to understand yours.

 

You shouldn’t feel too shy to open up to him. If you can’t be open about your feelings concerning your relationship with your own boyfriend, who CAN you really be open about them with!? I get not wanting to complain all the time, but if this is a complaint you constantly have to make, that may tell you all you need to know. Don’t be afraid (because to me, in this situation “shy” and “afraid” are synonymous) to talk to your boyfriend because of how he might react. You’re not being unreasonable and don’t let him make you think that you are. It must be terrible to feel like you have to beg for attention from someone who’s supposed to love you, someone that you clearly love dearly. Technically, from the only person you’re even “allowed” to get that a attention from (as someone’s girlfriend). And that’s not right.

 

Meanwhile, I guess it’s sort of comforting for you to know he’s the same way with his friends, so at least it’s not just you. And that’s cool and all. But from my experience, your girl is totally different. When you’re with a good girl, your girlfriend is really your best friend. That bond is different. If he doesn’t use his phone like that, I’m not saying to tell him to have his phone glued to his hands at all times, I’m not saying he’s never allowed to miss a phone call, but he has to do better. It really shouldn’t be this hard to send a text at some point during the day just to be like “Hey, still breathing over here,” LOL. I mean, seriously.

 

I think the best thing for you to do here is to find a compromise. TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL. Don’t whine, don’t argue, just tell him how you feel and why. Also, propose a solution that can work for both of you. See if he makes a change. But clearly you’re very unhappy about this, so really make sure he gets it. Keep a level head and make your point. Try to be reasonable with your demands. And if he doesn’t change or see the error in his ways, maybe it’s time you move more like him. You don’t seem like the type, but maybe if he saw how it felt to never be able to reach you, he would see very clearly where you’re coming from. Maybe if you stopped stressing so much about talking to him all the time, you’ll actually realize some things… but I’ll leave that to you! I’m not trying to lead you away from your relationship or anything but you gotta decide what you can and cannot tolerate. I say try to work on it, but don’t be dumb either, seriously. It is not that hard to pick up a phone!

 

Maybe once you talk to him, you can let me know how it goes? I’m interested in how he may respond, and how YOU may respond! And if you need anymore help, you know how to find me 😉 I really hope I helped you in some way. This can be fixed, but it’s up to him! And it’s up to you to speak up and put your foot down miss, good luck!

 

Ajeé

“SO. Long long long long story short. In high school, I was in a very serious relationship with the guy I loved. We broke up because we were going to be long distance, and we both needed the opportunity to grow. I don’t mind that part, even though at the time I didn’t really understand it, and my heart broke. We were together for only a year and two months. He was my first, he knew my family, he was fun and just.. everything. It took me a long time to get over the fact that things weren’t going to be that way anymore. I talked to and dated other people. (I actually started dating someone prematurely, and by that I mean almost a few months after my HS man and I broke up, and I was still grieving him but I thought stupidly I was over it. <This, I later learned broke his heart that I started dating again so soon.) I’ve been through a lot since. Recently we found our way back into a wonderful stable friendship that exceeds any other relationship I’ve ever had, in maturity, understanding, love, comfortability. We never really stopped being cool, even though I had to delete him off my social media, and everything to help myself not want to pree through all his pics and what not so I could finally fully heal 2 and a half years later. (also because I was doing this jealous ex gf thing for a while too.) I am extremely nostalgic. But now, we’re all good again. We had a conversation about what we are after so many years. More than friends. Not just exes. Closer than brothers and sisters. I’m okay with that too. I also told him I now have a boyfriend, and he of course, was cool about that too. Why wouldn’t he be? We’re living our lives now. I will always always always love this man. We are such good friends, we’re really platonic. Like.. there’s no suggestive talk or anything that could even be considered cheating.

Right now, things with my new boyfriend who I went through so much to be with, are like.. weird. I think we’re just still finding our rhythm. I really care about him and I want things to work. So it’s not even a question of do I feel for him or blah blah. Still, I’m starting to feel like I made the same mistake as I did over three years ago. I started dating someone and cut off the possibility of me and my HS sweetheart (ima just say HSS) being together. Lol. I don’t know if I’m just interpreting things wrong, or if I’m just too attached to see this whole thing clearly. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. Like even if me and my bf broke up, my HSS and I probably won’t even end up together. Not right now, because we are still long distance. Even though I know many people who think we’ll still date somewhere along the line in life. But yeah. I’m having a hard time trying to figure out what to do or how to feel. I’m not even unhappy in my new relationship, I just can’t ignore the what if.

You might not be able to give me advice, because well… I don’t know if I’m really asking anything. But I would like to know what you think about the whole thing.”

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TumultuousRomantic,

 

Wow. This is a lot.

 

And yeah, I was looking for the question in all of this, but there are a few things to be said about your situation… I’m here to help 🙂

 

The first thing that I’ll say is that I think you’ve actually looked a lot into your situation and realized some patterns about yourself which is a sure sign of a rational person, LOL. It seems as though you have a history of, like you said, rushing into things. And the worst possible thing you can do to get over a serious relationship is to jump into another one. It’s bad for all parties involved. You’re still scarred from your past hurt, and you’re probably not going to be able to be fully present in a new relationship before you have recovered from the last one. Normally I’d encourage casual dating but you’re already in a new relationship.I just think it’s important to learn and heal from the mistakes of your past to create a better future. It really does the heart good!

 

As far as your current boyfriend, I don’t know how long the two of you have been dating. Maybe you still need more time to build up a stronger bond. But there you go again, saying that you feel this relationship may have been a way to distract you from your ex. And here’s the thing – you’re pretty sure that because you’re still long distance, you two probably wouldn’t be together any time soon either way. That is why you broke up in the first place, right? So listen to yourself. You’re not completely lost in this .. see the reality for what it is. Focus on your new relationship. And if it happens not to work out, take a BREAK before seeking out a new relationship girl, slow down. Men are everywhere, all the time. A new commitment is not always the answer. Have some fun or take some time to be alone.

 

I really want to say this too, though. I hear about people who split from their relationships and never fall out of love with that person no matter where they go, what they do, who they’re with or how long it’s been. I’ve always wondered about that because I’ve never experienced it. It honestly seems like you’re still in love with your ex. You say it’s so platonic, and I hope so because it would be wrong for you to disrespect your new relationship. But I think deep down, (and not that deep btw) you really do still love him. The timing may not be right today, but you never know what the future holds. Just don’t wait around, counting on that in order to be happy. What’s meant to be will be. And right now, that relationship isn’t for you. So find a way to be happy just being friends, seriously.

 

I know this was a long response, but you wrote a long post! LOL. I really hope I provided some insight though, love can be very tricky sometimes. Be smart.

 

Ajeé