“How long should you wait til you and you’re significant other move in together? ( and by move in together, I don’t mean they move into my place or I move into theirs, but WE move into our own NEW shit together , split rent and everything else 50/50)!”

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Moe,

That’s such a broad question to ask! I really think that’s something that depends on the people involved. There’s always a chance that it could, or could not work out. I’ve always imagined myself having my own place until I’m probably engaged to be married, regardless of how long I’ve been with someone. Living with someone is a huge commitment and definitely shouldn’t be taken lightly.

 

It’s cool to live with your s/o as long as the relationship is healthy, however, there are a few reasons why I would personally never rush into it. You might not wanna add the responsibility of splitting bills and having to be “up under” that person 24/7 to the mix, and sometimes you might just want your space. I am personally the “ME TIME” QUEEN LOL, so if I wanna be alone, I just wanna be alone. And it may not have anything to do with that person.

 

Another reason why I think it’s good to wait sometimes is because it’s good to have your own. There’s no reason to rush into sharing a lease with anybody if you don’t have to, in my opinion. I like the idea of two people in a relationship both having their own place and being able to spend time at their own homes. I also like the idea of spending time at each others’ places at your own discretion. It’s nice to be able to leave home and have someplace else to go to that’s cozy and “feels like home” in its own right. I think sleepovers can be a lot more fun than living together, especially in the beginning.

 

Now, to answer your question, it may be less about time and more about your bond. Personally speaking, I’d say you should date someone for at least a year or two before moving in together, especially if you’re young, like in your early 20’s. Because once y’all sign that lease, and once y’all are moved in… that’s it. You’re locked in for (likely) 2 years. So if you’re in a new relationship, I would say not to rush and to really play it by ear. If and when you decide you’re really serious about this decision to move in together, just make sure you sit down with your s/o and really discuss what you both want. Also, you should talk the very real possibility that most people would prefer to avoid. If you do move in together and decide it doesn’t work out, what happens then? Have a contingency plan before you even sign anything. Discuss how you both would want your household to be run. It is a really big deal and as cautious as I am, that’s not to say that it can’t be a great thing. Just acknowledge that there are risks involved and your home should be your sanctuary.

 

Hope I didn’t scare you too much! LOL… and I hope I helped you out a little. Pretty sure I actually know you too, so hit me if you wanna discuss this further! But if not, good luck and I’m sure things will work out the way they’re supposed to.

 

Ajeé

“So, I am in a long distance relationship with a man I used to be with a year ago when he lived here… he is really the only man I want right now but his distance is killing me… he’s literally everything I have asked for and more.. but I just, I guess him not being with me physically is the issue but I start to get an attitude with him. I’m snappy and mean at times. I love him, I love everything about him.. but what am I to do? Do I wait because I love him.. so I wait? For how long?”

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“Ive been talking to a girl since HS seriously and we shared a lot of memories together but as of recently I found someone new, someone full of life, someone I genuinely fuck with, someone I dont mind being with everyday and doing things for. We enjoy each other company, we disagree on a lot of things but we always end up good by the end of the night. However, I found myself dipping back into my old girl. I see her everyday, & I dont see the new girl because of distant. Now my old girl, I appreciate and have no love lost for her but I understand it just can’t be. I don’t look at her the same way as the other girl. I often tried to explain to the girl from the summer that the distant was messing us up, but I found out as time went along it was just me. I dipped back & found myself in a lost place. I found myself not caring anymore, I found myself going against everything that I preached to her from day 1. Me n the girl from high school was suppose to be done & that day that I dipped back in just crushed everything. But here I am now, I decided to change n even tho I see that ex girl every day I dont speak, we have no sexual relationship, we are distant- as we should be because I know even when she doesnt this relationship isnt going anymore. I felt real love, genuine love with the new girl & I want that back. I think about her, think about the memories, the good n the bad even the fights & I miss it all. I miss her n we are still distant so I dont know how to approach her. I lied to her, I know she feels hurt n betrayed because I went against everything I said that stood me a part from the rest of these niggas out here. But I know for sure she is who I want. I understand she is mad right now, single, n enjoying her life as I should but I can’t just let that go by. I think its too late until we see face to face and who knows when that will be. From a female respective, will you consider taking a second chance? How would you want to be approached? When do you want to be approached because its obvious she is still wounded by my troublesome. Just a few answers I need from a female. Any other advice ? let me kno”

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Anonymous,

 

Wow. This post is very heartfelt and I appreciate your honesty and how genuine you are. I believe you know you’ve made a mistake and I genuinely believe that you would try your best to make the new girl happy if you were given a second chance.

 

With that said, obviously the chick from high school has to be a 100% dub. And now you’re saying that when you see her you don’t speak, your relationship has been severed and everything else. I hope that’s true, but more importantly if you want to get back with the new girl it has to stay that way completely. Even some actual proof might be able to further your case. The fact of the matter is, she has to be a complete non-factor in order for things to move on. And I’m not exactly sure what you mean when you say you “dipped back into” your old girl. I don’t know if that’s a sexual reference (way worse) or you were just messing with her again, but either way, the new girl has every right to feel the way she does, and I think you understand that.

 

Now. As far as approaching the new girl, there are definitely a few things you need to bear in mind. First, she may feel cautious about even hearing you out because trust is a very difficult thing to regain, trust me. Be patient with her and allow her to express her feelings freely, her doubts, her inner thoughts, how you affected her, whatever it is. Allow her to be open and understand where she’s coming from. When a guy really hurts you, as a woman one of the main things you want (honestly, even if you don’t want the guy back) is for him to understand how his actions impacted you. So that’s important. And it’s important to reassure her however many times it takes that you know you were wrong, and all you want to do is fix it and start fresh. That’s very important.

 

You wanted to know from a female’s perspective, if I would consider giving a second chance. The truth is, I’m not sure. These types of situations all work on a case to case basis. For example, I don’t personally know all the good times you two have shared, all the bad times, how long you two have actually been dealing with each other, how long you two have been apart, etc. But I will say, I’ve given a guy another shot before after he probably didn’t deserve it, so I’m not completely opposed to that notion. It all depends on the nature of the relationship, the nature of the offense, and how willing you are (on your own) to make a serious change in order to preserve what truly matters to you.

 

As far as when and how to make the approach, it depends on how serious you are. For one, I’d say you should approach her as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more she probably thinks you don’t care, or she builds up more and more negative emotions for you over time, or she just plain gets over you and won’t look back. I know that personally, the longer I’m apart from somebody, the less inclined I am to even care about that person.

 

When it comes to how, you’d probably throw her off in a good way if you do something spontaneous or romantic to spark the conversation. Randomly show up at her house, send some “I’m sorry” gifts to her address, give her something to wanna tell her friends about! 😂 Come humble, that’s the best way to show a girl you mean what you say and that she’s important to you.

 

You might think all of this is too much, but you have to remember that when a girl is hurt and she loses trust in you, it’s one of the most insecure feelings she can feel. You have to build her up and let her know she’s special and important to you before she’ll even think about opening up again. So don’t think it’s “too much.” If you want your girl back the way you say you do, you’ll do what it takes.

 

Those are just a few tips that I have. Furthermore, idk what you meant when you said that distance was basically driving a wedge between you two. I don’t know if she’s away at school, or just lives far away from you or what. But if that’s still gonna be an issue, before you make an attempt at mending things, make sure you can deal with it and it won’t cause you to stray again. The worst thing you can do is get a girl to start trusting you again or to take her back and you betray her trust again, or things end up not working out anyway.

 

I really hope things work out between you two if she’s receptive to what you have to say. If she’s single and enjoying it, let her. Especially if you don’t have something better to offer. I hope my advice helped you out, though! And if you have anymore questions or wanna tell me how it went, feel free! Good luck!

 

Ajeé