“There’s this guy that I talked to for a year, and we moved too fast. So now we don’t talk the same way. We care about each other but he doesn’t care ENOUGH to get over himself and be with me. We can still hang, and its beautiful because we get along so well. He’s always down to mess around, and dont get me wrong– I want to. But every time I go down that road, my feelings are too involved. Should I just leave him alone completely?”

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Sillylady,

 

Girl, you’re not silly. Everyone has probably been in a position where they’ve dealt with someone in a less-than-ideal situation and had to juggle all their options. Truthfully, you’ll only be silly if you continue to mess with him. So to answer your question, yes. I think you should leave this guy alone completely.

 

Granted, this post isn’t very long, but I think there’s enough information here to justify my response. Certain relationships and situations aren’t meant to be serious, some situations are meant to be casual and temporary. To be honest, most are.

 

It’s nice that you guys get along well, but the truth of the matter is that when a guy tells you something FLAT OUT, you have to listen to him. You’re only playing yourself if you don’t. No matter how well you two get along, if he tells you “I don’t want to be in a relationship,” please believe him. Because even if you manage to wear him down and get him to be in a relationship with you, a guy who doesn’t want a commitment will not be the boyfriend you want him to be. And in that case, it’s not really his fault. Because the truth is, he was clear from the beginning.

 

If when you two “mess around” your feelings are too involved, causing you to want more, it’s not worth it. It’s not worth your sanity, integrity, or emotional stability.

 

If you could manage to accept the very clear boundaries of your relationship, and have it be a casual one, then I think it’s alright to give it a try. But in my honest opinion, it doesn’t seem like you can with this one. In which case, spend your time taking someone seriously who wants the same things as you. That’s the best thing for you. Either that, or take some time to be alone. You have all the time in the world to find something serious. So good luck. Hope I could help!

 

Ajeé

“Hey, just another ex friend whom you hate now here for advice. There is this girl, she is cool I like her but I dont know how much. I can’t tell the difference, do I think she’s a really cool friend or am I actually developing romantic feelings? Granted we don’t hang out alot, just here and there like regular functioning people in their early 20s who attend school and have jobs. I do however find myself usually hoping that the next window of free time I have is filled with linking her (aswell as other friends in the circle). I always found her attractive physically but her mind and spirit seems to get more beautiful by the day. She has a boyfriend, i think, but regardless I dont really see myself jepordizing the comfortability of our relationship as friends, thats just my character. Im pretty sure she is oblivious to these feelings of mine but im even more sure that if she is aware she would neverrrr address it or even reciprocate given her situation. All I am trying to figure out is in my mind, is this a friend that I love as a person or a person that I want to love more than a friend?”

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Nookie Thompson,

 

Lol. Now you know if you’re gonna start your post like that, you’re gonna have to make yourself known! But more importantly, I’m gonna try my best to help you out here.

 

Now. The situation you’re in right now does seem to be a tricky one. And it seems like you and this girl really do have a nice, light-hearted friendship. That’s part of the reason I’m not sure why you’re not sure whether or not she has a boyfriend. I would assume that’s something you’d be sure about! And it’s clearly a majorly important factor in all this, it could potentially even change my answer. However, there are other clear, glaring factors in all this that may mean a little more.

 

To answer your first question, and probably most important, I think you do have romantic feelings for her. You can’t wait until the next time you’ll see her, you’ve always found her physically attractive and you’re becoming more attracted to her mind and the essence of who she is as time progresses. That sounds like someone developing feelings that are more than platonic for someone else.

 

BUT. You say you think she won’t feel the same way or wouldn’t even suspect your feelings, and you don’t want to ruin your friendship. I respect that and agree with the sentiment. Especially if she has a boyfriend right now and you know she wouldn’t be receptive, and especially because things like that can really complicate a friendship beyond repair.

 

I do like to encourage people to be honest and open in their relationships, whether they’re romantic or not. I just don’t want to tell you to go for it and then, given these conditions, you’re put in an awkward or unnecessary situation. Maybe when/if she’s single, shoot your shot. That’s honestly up to you. But quality friendships are hard to come by and maybe it’s more important to preserve that and allow yourself to find love elsewhere.

 

All in all though, with time you never know what could happen. So I’d say be patient and let this journey run it’s course. Continue getting to know this girl and enjoying her company. At the end of the day, it’s a gamble regardless. So wait it out, and see what happens. I just want you to consider all the options and see the benefit(s) in maintaining your relationship as is, for a while. Hope I helped!

 

Ajeé

“I’m 17 turning 18 in June. I have a job, in school, have a great family and friends but I’m lonely. I can sit in my room and feel nothing. I have tried filling this loneliness with fun with my friends or work but it doesn’t help. I haven’t spoke to any guys since the last guy I messed around with because I’m scared of getting hurt again. My friends think I should give guys a chance but I feel like not everyone deserve to get to know me. I just don’t wanna be 18 and alone. But I don’t want to open to anybody..”

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Maria,

 

I just want to start this post by saying that I have a younger sister your age, just turned 18. And I’m not gonna tell you anything different than I would tell her.

 

The way you started your post showcases just a few of the ways that you are truly blessed. You said it yourself, you’re getting ready to turn 18, you have a job, you’re a student and have people around you who love you and care about you. I hate to sound cliché, but there are so many people in this world, and probably people that you know who don’t even have that. Don’t take it for granted, because as you get older you’ll begin to realize what’s truly important in life and what wasn’t worth your time. If you don’t appreciate what you do have, you may look back and find those things should’ve meant the most to you all along.

 

With that being said, I completely understand how it is to feel lonely and to want to fill a void. You say that fun, friends and work can’t fill that void. That might lead you to believe that a guy might be the right thing to fill that void, but if you want my COMPLETE honesty, that may be the one thing that can complicate life for you even more right now.

 

You’re very young in the sense that, you have a ton of time to find the person you want to be with. AND you have PLENTY of time to date throughout the course of your life as you begin to learn more about yourself and grow as a human being and a woman.

 

You’re in a position right now where you’re desperately looking for something, and so in this particular case, it makes you needy. Now you’re looking for a guy and the second you find someone and finally latch on, they’re your source of security and happiness. Then, how you’re feeling might rely solely on how you and that guy are doing. That’s not what you need and I truly believe that it’s 1000% fine if guys are not your main focus right now. You were right when you said that not everyone deserves to get to know you! Maintain that air of confidence about yourself because that is what’s gonna keep you focused and increase your own self-respect.

 

So, I’m basically saying DON’T listen to your friends. And there’s nothing wrong with talking to guys or finding someone you happen to like but not every guy has to be your boyfriend and not every guy you talk to has to lead to ANYTHING serious.

 

Finally, I want to reassure you that you won’t end up alone. Your life has just begun and each day is a blank canvas, you really have no idea how wonderful your future can be. You say nothing has been able to fill that void you’re feeling, I challenge you to find a passion. Find what makes you happy, find what makes you great, find your gift. Everyone has one! I, myself am a writer and I’m good with people, I’m good at giving advice and articulating my thoughts. So, here I am! And this is only the beginning.

 

No matter who is in your life, you should be happy within yourself. And there is no feeling in the world more fulfilling than finding your passion, your calling and walking in it. That’s what makes you great, building on that. And I don’t mind speaking with you one on one if you feel like you may need help figuring out what that is. Strong women are so necessary in our world today!

 

And I know this was a very long post, btw! I just want to make sure that you understand how serious I am when I say focusing on your success is truly the best thing right now. You’re at that age, and you have to love yourself and be able to be happy alone before you can try to be a part of building something totally new with someone else. That’s just the way of the world, love. So, I hope you understand where I’m coming from! Good luck.

 

Ajeé