“So I’m 17 and in a relationship for going on two years now. He has cheated on me twice but I’m still will him and sometimes ask myself why. I’ve realized that I love him a lot and don’t want to lose him, and also that were both still young with a lot of growing to do left on our plate. We went on a break but got back together, but every five minutes I’m worried about what he’s doing and want to check his phone etc. he used to let me, but not anymore now because he feels as if since I’ve taken him back I should be able to build a sense of trust and he should have back his privacy, which is true. But if he’s going to be sus with his actions that would only make me skeptical and leave me to assume. I don’t want to have our relationship go down the drain, and I want to get past the past but I don’t know how. Can you help?”
Anny123,
I definitely can help! But I must warn that I might say a few things you’re not going to want to hear in this response. My hope is that you’ll be open minded to my perspective and understand that I wouldn’t tell you anything I wouldn’t tell a friend. Especially at your age. So, here we go:
- I gather that you’ve been in your current relationship since you were 15. I was in a relationship with the same guy from ages 15-17 so I can already understand your frame of mind on the matter. No matter your age, 2 years is a long time. You say that he’s cheated twice already, that’s a bad sign. If I’m being perfectly honest, I’m not sure how you found out about his cheating in the past but those may not have even been the only two times. Just the two times he’s been caught. I think it’s important that you understand that cheating is not something you have to put up with in a relationship. No matter how long you’ve been with a guy, you were kind enough to give him a second chance after the first time. After the second, there’s no wonder all you do is worry. The trust is gone. The respect is gone. Don’t let this boy play you. I know you said you love him, and I won’t even say he doesn’t love you. All this cheating, however, demonstrates a blatant lack of respect. If you continue to extend yourself and “reward bad behavior” so to speak, his fear of losing you diminishes. Suddenly, you’re just the girl who’s always gonna be there.
- Which leads me to my next point. He used to let you check his phone but now he doesn’t anymore because he feels he “deserves his privacy” and you agree. Girl, you’re right. We’re all entitled to our privacy. But you also shouldn’t have to worry about what he’s doing and saying in private in the first place. See what I’m saying? You’ve been betrayed. The feeling that you have is not going to go away, even if you’ve forgiven him. The residual effect of his cheating is your mistrust. It is natural and warranted. You are not wrong. I don’t know who you are, but I have a sister your age. If you were my little sister, I’d tell you to LET. IT. GO!
If you are completely against leaving then my best advice would be to have a straightforward conversation with him about how you’re really feeling about all this, and what you will and won’t accept moving forward. And then stick to that. Otherwise, he’ll just walk all over you and continue to do what he wants. My FIVE-STAR advice though? DUB him! I’m sure you can do better. You are so young and have all the time in the world to date. I’m 95% sure this will not be your last boyfriend. Don’t be in a rush to be locked down, figure yourself out for a while. Tell him the time isn’t right for y’all. I’m not saying be enemies, but I wouldn’t expect him to change anytime soon. Believe me, in a few months, a year, maybe even 2 .. you’ll look back on this relationship and ask yourself, “What was I thinking?” LOL. It’s all a learning experience in the end. Know this: There will never be a shortage of men who want a beautiful and dedicated woman by their side. NEVER. You’re not missing out on anything here! Also, going through phones is a NO, NO! So anyone who makes you feel the need to do that, you probably shouldn’t be with, anyway.
So don’t beat yourself up. You know what you need to do. Bite the bullet and do it! And if your friends are ever in some trouble, tell them where they can find me. 😉
Ajeé
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